My life: I do not want children, and my husband believes that we should live "like everyone else"

1. Psychologist comment:

- My name is Elena, I am 26 years old. It is not customary to speak well of people like me, and it is not customary to speak aloud about them. It is customary to point fingers, twist at the temple, such people are not considered normal, they are mistaken for the insane and avoid communication with them. I have my own opinion on such eternal values ​​as marriage, family, love, respect, friendship. I do not have the herd instinct, pushing a lot of actions that "must" do everything at a certain stage of life. I am a person with certain principles and my own views on this beautiful world. I am childfree.

Recently, I have to live in fear of losing a person close to me. My husband. He is 28, we have a small business, own property. We live in marriage for three years, I thought I was happy next to him, because I devoted almost all of myself to him, my beloved man. But everything can collapse in an instant. One has only to talk about children ... These thoughts do not give me rest.

3 months ago we had a conversation for which I was not ready, this conversation was, rather, a monologue of my husband on the topic “I want a child, why don't you want.” His words fell like snow on my head and resembled the reading of a school teacher for blunders in dictation. The monologue lasted about an hour. I was silent, averted my wet eyes, feeling guilty for being with such a flaw. My husband told me that he had been watching me for a long time and realized that I do not like and do not want children. I do not want to carry on myself everything related to pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and child care. To his question why, my next one followed: why do you want them. The answer did not surprise me. He wants children not because he loves them so much and wants to take care of them and dedicate himself to them, but only “well, it is necessary for everyone. All my friends already have them, but I don’t yet, and I'm not a boy. �� How to react to it? This was followed by standard arguments applied by all ordinary people to the conviction of a “correct” judgment about a glass of water, about a hare and lawn, about flowers of life, and you probably don’t want to drink.

Not a day passed before I remembered this conversation, which threw me into such shock that this hour of conversation remained simply torn from my life. I could not then tell him the true reason for my refusal of children. Yes, I do not want children, children do not cause me pleasant emotions, I have other dreams, other views, other priorities. I want to devote my life to myself and my beloved man, to help, support, because he always says how much he needs my support and care, but does he need it? He spends most of his time at work, returning late in the evening, without having a weekend. I am always at home alone, while I am constantly busy with household chores, I bring him lunch to work, prepare a delicious dinner and wait for him from work, do baking, cleaning, washing, ironing. I help him in business, I follow his financial side. The child is just for fun for him, to come to sit next to him for five minutes in the evening, to pimp and fall asleep with the words “how tired I am today” (as usually happens). I know his friends well enough, and my observations of them showed that not one of them ran home to his wife and child to help and spend time with his family, but just the opposite, they linger without the need for work. I know my husband well, the same will happen to him. And I will be messing with the child alone, as, incidentally, with household chores earlier.

If you can talk away from the annoying relatives and laugh it off, then how to laugh it off from your own husband, if this is not the case in which you can find a compromise. If I give in and agree to a child, I will step on my own throat, I will not be happy, my own world, which has been lining up for years, will collapse, because I will take on all the problems. If my husband gives in, which is unlikely, I will lose him forever, because he will look at his friends with children all his life and remember me. Or she wants to get a divorce. Double-edged stick. How to be, I do not know.

PS With the future husband, I raised this topic. She told him that children do not cause me delight and they are not the main thing for me in life. The husband seemed to think it was a joke, and he did not answer me specifically and clearly. But I was not joking. And now life can joke with me. My family and friends live far away from us, with the city in which we live, a lot connects me: work, apartment, pets, and if our marriage collapses so stupidly, then my life will collapse. I can not go back, it is already impossible. And I cannot live without him either, I put too much effort into this marriage, in the common cause.

Psychologist comment:

- At the beginning of living together, the spouses are faced with the first regulatory family crisis, and after three to five years, it is time for the second. It often happens that at some certain moment the family begins to face cyclicality, routine, monotony - and this causes dissatisfaction. Of course, finding the cause of this dissatisfaction in oneself is difficult, and therefore, in the first place, people begin to state their complaints to their partner.

Just as a family goes through regulatory crises, so does a person go through regulatory personality crises in his development, which cannot but cause deep-seated experiences that can be hard to understand and difficult to get out of.

The situation in your family has its own specifics, which you yourself are talking about, assuming that the reason is your unwillingness to have children. But it happens that for various reasons, couples do not have children, and despite this, they build interaction, build their lives, travel, develop, support each other, are in serious contact. And therefore, we can say that the presence or absence of children is not the main aspect that currently creates a crisis in your family.

The moment when you, even before the beginning of family life, seemed to have “said everything”, expressed your wishes for the future spouse, deserves attention. Then your spouse did not say anything concrete, but now he stated that “I would like, like everyone”. This is an important fact, which indicates that you, quite possibly, have different views on the family, expectations from living together. How far do you have a “common family lifestyle”? How do you treat yourself as a spouse, what do you want, how do you build your relationship? Have you discussed this over these three years? Of course, family planning is rarely done with clear planning, but it is very important to speak such questions.

There is a feeling that this question was silenced by your spouse, the tension was accumulated and resulted eventually in a complaint. His speech was like "about sore." Naturally, you were not ready for this, because before that you had not heard any reproaches to your address, and this is a serious experience for you.

In your letter, the gaze touches the words “my world” as confirmation of the fact that “your world”, which is in common with your spouse, has not yet been created, and everyone carries out his share of activities for organizing family life. From work, your spouse comes back late, you are almost at home all the time - it sounds like two worlds that almost never touch.

Perhaps your spouse is frightened by this parallel existence. After all, it is considered, and rightly so, that children can often become a stabilizer of relations in a family, sometimes they firmly unite it, make it possible to fill family life with content. Could it be that your husband clings to the idea that a child can save your relationship? Could it be that he has a thought not about the child, but about how to save your marriage?

In his arguments about the child, your spouse could sound unconvincing - and this is not surprising, because how can you very much love a child who has not yet been born?

When you became a married couple - there were many lovers, feelings, experiences, fantasies. Perhaps your husband did not understand whether it is important or not important for him to have children. Or did not take it seriously. After a while, he saw that you were not going to change, and perhaps that frightened him. And there is an important point. As a rule, if a man makes a decision, he implements it. It doesn't seem like your husband has the idea of ​​destroying your marriage. On the contrary, it is obvious that he wants to change something, to strengthen your relationship. But at the moment the problem is spoken - and that's all. There is a feeling that no one discusses anything anymore and no one talks about anything. But it is worth discussing, talking, and do not dwell near this topic as if near a wall.

Maybe your husband does not see the prospects for the development of your relationship? Or lost their meaning, their value? You should try to clarify this situation.

Now in your letter of the possible exits you see only those for the sake of which one of you needs to make a sacrifice. Either you or your husband - but in any case, someone will be unhappy. You can’t find any compromises unless you talk to each other. Moreover, even if you wanted children, in a situation of such tension in your family, having a baby is an additional stress, because what state you are in now cannot be called a proximity option.

Many young couples with a small child are worried that they do not have enough time to be alone, that they have no one to leave the child with. But in your case it is not clear, but how much time do you spend together? In your letter there is nothing about how you relax, have fun, spend the weekend. The husband comes home, he is having dinner - what next? Where are the emotions and impressions?

You say that you care about your husband, and then you doubt that he needs it. Perhaps for him you start to lose your social significance? You are helping him everywhere, and he says that he appreciates your support, but what are you doing for yourself, not for him? And does he really need your help? Perhaps your status is more valuable to him? What keeps him interested in you? Is it possible that your domestic concerns do not seem to him to be significant? He seems to offer you "become a mother - and you can stay at home justifiably."

There is also a little thought that “I will only care about you, you are my only one, but you only care about me, even if I will be the only one for you”. This is reminiscent of codepended relationships, when "we are together, we are two, we no longer need anyone." But in such a relationship, sooner or later, one of the spouses may become cramped, because there is little freedom in them.

On the other hand, it’s good that you honestly say that you don’t want children. You are honest and open - and this is a big plus. After all, in many families in which children appear, the woman is in constant jealousy, she forces out the child, vies with him for the attention of her husband.

You begin your letter as if you have a need to attract attention to yourself, to stand out, to be unique and unusual. Today, the reluctance to have children is not uncommon. I communicate with many young girls who openly declare that they do not plan to have a child, who prefer a career to a child or any other interests. Nor do they at all believe that they are doing something wrong, they do not believe that they are in opposition. Because the desire or unwillingness to have children is a personal matter. You do not bring any social harm to anyone, do not propagate anything and do not impose anything on anyone. But specifically in your case there is a feeling that you yourself do not become free from it. There is a feeling that you feel guilty about your beliefs. Do you have such feelings? And if so, what could it be about?

Oksana Blank

practicing psychologist at the Center for successful relationships.

Especially for the project My life on Lady.tut.by